Monday, February 1, 2010

lather rinse repeat.

i assume too much and confirm very little. 

that's my problem apparently, well one of many that i have. but this is one i'd like to talk more about. 


this day kicks off February 2010, something we normally associate with love, coupling, cards, chocolates,all that. where it's an unwritten rule for everyone to have a significant other, and enjoy their company even more up until Christmas or each other's birthdays. or anniversaries. or monthsari-- you know what? i'll just stop there. the more i think about it the more i feel crappy. then again, why should i be? it's not like i'm the only single human being in the universe, there are plenty of us there looking or not looking. so why should i feel blue about it? it's not because i feel alone, no, i'm surrounded by wonderful, wonderful people. it's about this pressure i feel about myself. 

see when i was attached, there was this feeling i had of someone who could serve as my sounding board and vice versa. i could be all affectionate and intimate and such, even when she was miles away from me. i cherished that, looked forward to it everyday. but at the back of my mind i was always paranoid, always thinking there was someone else she had set her eyes on, and i felt compelled to remind her of my existence, and in the process i became selfish. it strained our relationship and we called it off. we're still in contact but it's all awkward now. looking back i've always been so selfish, paranoid, flat-out suffocating to be with. it just magnifies when i'm in love. somehow i haven't found that one person who i can wholeheartedly love and trust to love me back. no strings, no stipulations... just trust. 

everyday i wake up, pressuring myself to be different, to give space, to be there when it counts, trying to fit myself into this mold i designed, and come out as a presentable partner to anyone interested, and i'm interested with. it shows just how little i know of what it feels to be loved or loving, degrading myself to fit into the hole of someone else's heart until i'm no longer myself but someone's Ken Doll. i assume that's what she'll want out of me, but i'm not even sure that's what she wants. 

always getting into these guessing games, i'm not gonna say anything unless you say something, i won't do this until you do that.... it's a stand-off. and if nothing happens within the given amount of time for the both of us, then it's time to jump ship. another relationship tanked. thanks to me.

even if i believe that out there, is my better half, i'm too impatient. i want it now and forever, it's like i want to finish off my list of things to do before i die before i reach 25. it's like i want it all to happen, and then i'll happily surrender myself to death all happy and shit. 

i'm blue because i can't find love, i can't find love because i won't let it find me, and i won't let it find me because i don't want to play the waiting game. 

that's the pressure on myself. 

well, i guess i'll have to make a deal with myself, i won't succumb to the February Fever, but by the end of it i'll be happy. even happier than i started. i'll find cause for this happiness and i'll savor that until next year when i go through this month all over again. 

things'll work out, for the meantime i'm determined to live a life.

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