Monday, May 2, 2011

i'm getting that feeling of when you can't find time to slow down a bit in your life and think, remember a time or an experience where you gained some insight and decide write all about it.

before i used to do that and i found it fun, of course it was all just shallow, melodramatic and thinly veiled longings to reconcile my then shaky relationship, and the suckage of breaking up and not finding confidence to move on or find somebody. i tried being deep then, didn't work. became conscious of how i'd look back at all this years later and feel a bit embarrassed and so i stopped. but what i didn't realize is that in that period of nothingness between my last blog and this one my yearning to write was in decline. and now getting back on it since it's become the related discipline of my undergraduate course, i realize how much i've lost in terms of my voice when i write.

i feel rusty. i have no patience to write long, thoughtful....uh, thoughts. i've become lost during discussions in class, always questioning myself whether what i have to say is even worth saying. people always assure me it is but i keep getting in the way of myself. maybe just a blog isn't enough, maybe i should keep a notebook with me to write/doodle the raw ideas and opinions just forming in my head, and to polish them when i come home, so that when i post my brain farts here it'll read and sound better for whoever's looking at this site.

i just don't want to feel embarassed with myself 5 or so years later when i may abandon this at one point then return. this isn't to say i'm giving this up but when i do,  i want to feel, that when i come back to this, that it shall be worth picking up where i left off, and i'll have more insight in my life than i do now.

and in other news, last night, Osama Bin Laden was confirmed killed. i don't know if i should care about it as much but somehow i always thought he would have the means to evade america for a while longer until his next big thing. woke up, got on facebook and found out.

my only reaction was 'huh' then i moved on. he's just one man, after all. there will be more like him as time marches forward. and it could be anyone.


Zero Kaiser said...

I know exactly what you mean dude.. YEARS ago, (may as well be millennia) I used to run a Deadjournal. It wasn't a good time in my life at all, and the journal posts reflected that. But for a good few years straight I didn't post in it at all.. be it due to lack of a computer, time, or the fact I'd moved out (the root cause of a lot of my ranting on said journal).

Anyway, I stumbled across it years later, and I'll admit, I was embarrassed to read it again.. it was all true.. but just something about the way it read didn't sit right.

As for carrying on after a hiatus.. It depends how you feel about it after coming back to it. If your still happy with what's there, it'd probably feel quite natural to continue after a break. Otherwise it might feel a bit awkward and clunky.. like trying to get on jeans you haven't worn in 4 years and categorically do NOT fit any more... but your still gunna give it a shot.

Anyway... rambling now :P

Miko Matsing said...

true, i just want to reach a sort of point where i can pick up where i left off almost seamlessly while still being able to change and learn. i think it might be more of getting over the embarrassment of earlier attempts and just accepting it as part of your personal growth or something.